9/19/22 8:17 PM
| TW - MENTAL HEALTH/SH MENTION |
Recently I have felt normal after getting put on my anxiety meds but ofc they aren't for my depression or suicidal tendencies which is a problem. I have had this certain issue that has been bothering me and making my emotions go all over the place which is jealousy and has made my depressive episodes last longer than they usually do. And when I have my depressive episodes I start to have suicidal ideals and cut myself, I have been SH-free for almost 3 months now and has been a bit longer than I would usually, I worry that I will do it again sometime sooner because of this issue but I have no one to blame but myself and my feelings. I want to separate myself from the issue but I know I can't do that and I will crawl back to it like I have been doing so far. Somehow I cannot keep myself away from it due to how much I care for it. I have written several pieces and poems about what I am currently feeling and at this very moment, I feel myself starting to tear up at the thought of how hopeless I am being and how pitiful I must be to the people in the situation. The person that I was supposed to lean on for help, as I have done the same for them in multiple instances seems to keep messing up and this new person has been cheering me up by just talking to me and the issue itself is making me hurt but I would not like to show it that it is affecting me in fear as it will worsen the situation and I lose some people and ruin companionships. I am not sure what to do but all I can do is try not to cut myself with any razor and to keep on taking my medicine and hope I feel better soon. Although I doubt it will come soon....
9/21/22 3:59 AM
| TW - MENTAL HEALTH/SH MENTION |
I did it again, I wasnt able to stop myself from doing it. I am a failure at anything I try to do. Im undeserving of everything that has and will be given to me. But I didnt do it like the last times, I burned myself with hot wax and the ligther. The pain was even worse from the regular cutting this time. I think I will use this method as it doesnt leave a huge obvious mark although it is red, I can pass it off as I burned myself with the coffee pot or something similar. I keep on hallucinating things, I feel like things move in the dark or something is watching me, I cant sleep. I just want to close my eyes and breath. I dont undestand why, why I did it again, could it be the situation? Likely yes, but could it be other factors as well? Im not sure but each day I hate and hate this endless loop I am inside. This time I dont know who to blame anymore, me? them? or the main bit? I dont want to blame anyone but neither do I want to blame myself for this. I cant stop the burning, I can feel it under my skin and how my body shivers at the burning sensation. I deserve to burn, I deserve this pain.
9/23/22 6:12 PM
| TW - MENTAL HEALTH/SH MENTION |
I want to gouge my eyes out, I want to choke myself, I want to die. I hate myself, and everyone hates me too. I am not worthy of anything and I should die already. I feel like Im rotting inside out, I am decaying and dying at every second. Each breath I take hurts me, I feel sick, no one truly cares and wouldnt even understand. I hate them so much I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I dont care anymore I want to kill myself. So bad right now I am not worthy of anything and I should just fucking die already. They laugh and laugh but I cant find myself to say anything and leave, I want to but at the same time I dont want to, Im going to cut myself tonight and voice record it so I can hear my agonizing cries and pleads that I give to myself. I want to die. No one cares about me and no one will ever care at all because Im nothing at all. I will never be noticed or cared for even loved for my existance is fuitle and I should die. UPDATE: I cut myself, I wanted to go deeper but theres no more space on my arm/wrist. I am no longer 4 months clean, my chest hurts and I cant stop breathing heavily. im going to die one day.
| TW - MENTAL suicide MENTION |
this should be my final goodbye, if I survive im going to be very upset! The pills and water, the razor Im ready to leave.
| TW - SH/SA MENTION |
Im alive but as a punishment for living ive been making myself puke this past hour, my stomach and throat hurts so bad, Im going to starve myself I deserve this, the price to living is pain. I will cut even more as I deserve this, I deserve anything bad happening to me. Maybe he was right I deserve to get raped again for being so useless. I hate how happy everyone sounds I hate it so much when all I feel is despair. I feel sick to my stomach, I hate myself. People take pity but I dont want that all I want is someone to really care about me with no strings attached. I just want to feel happy even if its from someone giving it to me or myself. Im worthless, im used and filty. No one wants me and I should just die. I deserve to puke so I can feel pretty, so maybe someone will want me.
------------------------------------------------------- fucikging fucufkcufk im so digusting i deserve to die oh gfufkci i cdidnt mean to make you feel like that no i didnt mean it liek that i could never men it like that thats fisgusuting im so sosrry bufcki gh ufckufkkeujhj it wa jsut vetning i fuckfufk you weerbet even supposed to see that fuckfufck who betrayed my trusty again fuckfufkfiuuf dfs8u0dsivfsj im so ssosrty im saosooossos ostytsyrsry fuckcuffdkfduccjyhewjowhgfsjbvih;sjakldjg;KH;adkDSI;ODSILZFKJGSN;FKOG[TJ T\FJ[OASJ[GOSJRHF9/20/22 2:23 AMㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ
Although we could never be one in the same our love will still go on even after the world ends and everything we know on it. Shall we dance on our deathbeds while we are thousands miles away from each other.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hold onto your face and pretend it’s me caressing your soft skin. Kiss your hands and think of me, touch yourself and dream of me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I sit in my dark room with bedroom eyes looking into the mirror imaging you are beside me, hovering your hands over my neck and kissing me where the moles on my skin are, for you are the angel that planted them there.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A gift is what I receive from my mail and smell your scent that lingers on the paper with your red velvet ink where you write your heart out to express how dear I am.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I close and open my eyes, every second that passes is spent thinking about your existence in itself and how marvelous we were to be born where we have met as star crossed lovers, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My body and blood are yours, and yours belong to me. Every tear I shed you kiss away, you take my blood and embrace my body into yours. Intoxicated by my whole self. We form into a new being entwined internally together forever.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Your words reach me to the deepest corners of my thoughts. My prayers are always yours and only yours. I consume and receive in the name of yours and will be your loyal servant as a follower to a God.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------May you grab onto my soulless face and let all your fluids enter me, to make me alive. Feed me your lies and truths as I slowly fall deeper into despair and infatuation. I knock on the wood for our eternal love, for we will never part even at death.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I enjoy being belittled by your sultry voice, that I invoke on with my willful attitude as we both are poison yet the cure for each other. Let toxicology determine if our love is for the better or the worse. Let’s lay in the hospital beds getting poked at and experimented on while we hold hands with nothing but endearment.
ㅤ-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------9/23/22 4:16 PM
Words hurt like a knife, heated up to burn and brand me. For every word that I say I will pay such price. Each time I am of annoyance I will cut the skin I call mine for that is what Im only good at. As the blood runs down, I bask in the agonizing pain and savor it. For this is what I deserve as someone who is unworthy of living if not even one person can love me, I am a waste of space.
ㅤ-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------9/24/22 6:32 PM
Why do people act like they care when for a fact they have never cared when you needed it the most? Why do people hide behind a persona a facade and only show their true colors at the very end when it is no longer needed? blood drips from my wrists as I stare at it with a meloncholy stare, the same thing over and over again. I will never change no matter what, blood from the jagged cuts are what comfort me when no one else wanted to.
ㅤ-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------9/24/22 10:43 PM
My tears cant stop running down my face, my mouth dries when I try to speak my mind. Im supposed to feel fine but why do I feel so meloncholy? For I am too scared to speak some words, I need to confess them but they are sinful, I need to shed the thoughts I have before I fall deeper into it.
ㅤ-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------9/25/22 4:19 PM
As my tear falls down my right cheek, I cover my mouth to stifle my sobs as I see you with them. I feel sick to my stomach and my heart aches. Only ate one thing two days ago, if I dare eat again I fear I might puke from this jealousy. I lay in my bed wailing into my pillow and telling myself what changed between us as I felt slowly being sucked into depression. What am I to you? I do love you but you confuse me with your mixed signals. Why do you make my heart swell and ache at the same time? Hopefully, someone will find me alone crying and hug me, but they will never replace you no matter how much I wish they could. Why can't I stop falling in love with you? I sob into the nothingness as it comforts me in the dark, I have nothing without you, must our love be one-sided? How can I change this but I think it's far too late. I ruined all my chances, waiting and waiting. Why couldn't I have been brave and faced my feelings for you, my dear? As I sit here watching you from afar with them, I start to lose my sanity. I cant bear to live without you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------9/25/22 4:19 PM
I miss you, but I know we could never be and that my heart will ache every second I hear your soothing voice that I love dearly, your laugh, your witty remarks, and the teasing. You make me flutter in delight but the bittersweet truth hits me like the wind during the fall as leafs hit the floor. I look at the gloomy sky and remember that we can never be and that this love will be one-sided for eternity until death does us part. Let me tell you the vows you will never hear, let me whisper them into your ear. And hold me close but you will push me away like how im trying to do. Distance myself from your existence but I can't seem to control myself. I just want to live near you and hear you, fall asleep to the sound of your breaths. You seem to like to pull at the strings of my heart, I love and despise it. Please don't toy with my feelings anymore, I can't take it at all, this suffocating feeling. I love you but our love is one-sided and will be nothing more. I wish you love although I would rather it be with me, that isn't reality.
Meeting you was a horrible mistake, but it was a beautiful one. I wouldn’t change it even if I were given the chance because if I never met you, I would never have felt the precious feelings you gave me. Although I have accepted the fact that we could never be, and want to be around you, my heart tells me to save the pain, but I cannot stay away for more than a second for I start to miss you dearly. My heartbroken heart still beats for you.
You seem to pull the strings of this heartbroken heart, I don't understand why you do, whats your hidden motive for this game you play with me every day?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------9/26/22 3:50 PM
Only you can make me feel this way, a new feeling that has never been felt. Such a bittersweet feeling that you give me. I wouldn't ask it any other way if it means it's a gift from you unknowingly. I wish you would speak more with that enchanting voice of yours, it's heavenly. Makes me want to scream into my pillows in glee and sadness. Only you can break my heart and I will still care for you, dear. I will wait here for many years, just for you to return my feelings. Let me illude myself with my imagination of our unrequited love, just for me to hurt even more. I will follow you anywhere no matter what, even if that means I risk myself. Only for you, I can do many things, let me love you, let me care for you. How I wish I could present my love through my writings and for you to receive them. But I am far too scared of what you may say, so for now I hide them in hopes of you to find them and think of us. Although that is not reality, I could care less and would rather give myself false hope to save myself for our ambivalent ending.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------9/26/22 4:02 PM
How I wish I could write you letters and leave my scent for you to smell and to find my heart that I spilled out in the letters I have written. For you to think of me and how much I am in love with you, I wish I could be the one for you, your only one. I want to confess my feelings for you although doing that could ruin me forever, as I am frightened to do so. I want to bask in your existence for a little bit more and take in your whole self before I softly wreck everything I have worked for. With three simple words that I must confess in the near future, if I don't it will eat me entirely and leave nothing but a broken unfixable heart for a bag of flesh as its protection. The only two endings that seem realistic will end with me turning into that either way but the one I oh so long for is the one where you return my feelings and embrace me wholeheartedly and for us to be one, and to love each other for as long as we live and after death. I want to be the internal flame that you use and care for in the darkness of your life and to light you up with many good things and feelings and make you feel special just like the way you make me feel.
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